Kailan?

Kailan titila ang pagbuhos ng ulan
Na akala mo’y wala ng mapaglagyan

Kailan mahahawi ang kalangitan
Para dumungaw ang araw, at ngiti’y muling masilayan

Kailan guguhit ang pitong tulay ng kalangitan
Na siyang kukulay sa magulong kaisipan

Kailan, kailan..
Kailan muling guguhit
Ang mga ngiting hindi umiimik

Kailan, kailan..
Kailan titila ang malakas na pagbuhos
Ang pusong nadurog na ng lubos

Kailan, kailan..
Kailan masasagot ang mga katanungan
Mga bagay na pilit pinahahalagahan
Unti unti nang nabubura ng tubig ulan

Tama na, pagod na pagod na
Wala ka bang balak magpahinga?

Kailan, kailan
Kailan titila ang napakalakas na ulan
Para muling umukit ng bahaghari na animo’y walang katapusan

(Yung body clock ko po ay wala na sa matinong kalagayan..parang yung isip kong lumilipad patungo sa nakaraan at pilit gumigising para sa kasalukuyan.. At para paghandaan ang kinabukusan.)

Unfinished thought

There would always be an unfinished matter. School, workload, chores. Or the undying unfinished thoughts at night.

When I was in high school, I tend to wait for my late night thoughts to subside before I encourage my little nerves to sleep. Maybe because high school hasn’t brought yet the verge of life. But it’s still a life. A very vital part of what you’ve become today. But as you grow older, priorities change, responsibilities seem to look bigger, terrain spreads wider and circumstances become malignant.

So after getting out of the sweety-easy life in high school, it brings you to a wilder phase of life. Wilder because remember those flesh-eating mammals in Africa you see in National Geographic Channel?  That’s why. Survival.

But in the midst of such roaring canine, it’s a start of a deep understanding of wilderness.

And those late night thought? Unfinished thoughts?

You would realize, it’s the most beautiful thing you could imagine when restlessness eats you up.

You would realize that high school could be somewhat secluded, but it reminds you how to be soft, to be warm, to be like a kid who’s vulnerable and sweet and kind and a lot more.

‘Thus, unfinished thoughts.

Well, some thoughts are meant to be unfinished.

Who knows?

“Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.”

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“thank you universe for sending a rainbow in my cloud”

Sometimes you will find a friend in the middle of nowhere. Most of the times, it happens at the very least moment of your life.

Maybe because it helps you to realize that friendship doesn’t work with big things. Big gifts. Big shits. Big lies.

But just a simple and ample connection. Just that.

It doesn’t speak time. Space. Age. Place. Nor race.

I have a few. Not that much I guess.

I’m a lil’ bit obsessed of being alone.

Introvert problems.

Naahh. haha

But my crazy friends are enough to make my life so loud.

Few. But loud.

Hey, thank you din. 🙂 ❤

The Choice: Do you regret it?

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“If not, then the pain you’ve felt was all worth it.”

I just finished watching it on that hard, black, and cold idiot box. I had to search for the part where in the lady broke the engagement with her fiance (because my lovely mother called me to get some wet clothes and get it dry. Very lovely. )

The Choice.

That was the title.

Let’s just say it wasn’t the best movie. (in my perspective of  what is best)

But it was a great movie showing and defining what CHOICE is.

Salute to that.

I personally care for the word “choice”.A lot of us get sweaty whenever caught in a situation full of bulls. And an imaginary mediator becomes more aggressive and persistent on you in making the decision as you try to think harder. (I don’t know why I used the term mediator. Maybe because it has something to do with an argument between the options you have and the consequences it entail. Just hell you know. And a nonexistent peacemaker will do. At least. To make your decisions easier. Nahhh.)

I have great experiences about it. Making choices.

It taught me how to be a human. It showed me consequences. Or as to what the movie said.. the word “opportunity”.

It will take a million breath-taking leap to decide whether you wanna let go on something, or hold on it as much as you could.

Sometimes we just let the wind do the decision making. Or we just let it be. Because we’re lost. We are lost completely.

In nowhere? tss it just needs some time. And you’ll be able to determine the right choice. After all, it’s your life at stake.

Or maybe, you randomly chose and then after what you’ve chosen..you just endure the pain. Believing that it will all go away after a century.

It will. Believe me it will. Somewhere after the long pain.

There’s these “that was fun and sad” moments.

But the question is ..

Do you regret it?

If you do, then start questioning yourself: Why did you do it?

If not, then the pain you’ve felt was all worth it. 🙂 

 

 

Kwentong Kamay

“Ang kamay na bumitaw sa’yo ay hindi makakawala kung hawak hawak pa rin ‘to ng kamay mo..”

Hugot. Oo na sige na. Pero may tama naman sa sinabi ko..haha (ipush ko pa opinion ko)

Sino bang gustong bitawan? Sino bang gustong iwanan? Sino bang gustong masaktan? Kung meron man, siya yung totoong bato, hindi ako. Haha syempre wala! Walang may gustong umiyak habang nasa jeep. Umiyak sa library o opisina ng patago. Umiyak sa banyo bago maligo. Umiyak sa gabi na parang wala ng sisikat na araw kinabukasan. Wala talaga. Wala.

Pero kailan ba tayo nasasaktan? Kapag nasugatan? Kapag nawalan? Kapag iniwanan?

Maraming tanong. Maraming lumalarong tanong sa isipan. Pero sana huwag mong kalimutan, na habang hinahanap mo ang mga sagot sa tanong mo, pilit niya ring sinasagutan ang isang malaking palaisipan, na parang walang katapusan.

Sabi nga, ang kamay na hinampas mo sa pader, kahit gaano katigas ‘to, parehas lang din kayong naramdaman, kahit mukhang wala siyang pakialam.

Siguro, sa lahat din naman ng bagay dalawang panig ang sangkot. Hindi lang isa, dalawa. Minsan nga tatlo o higit pa. Hindi lang ikaw, pati rin naman siya.

Parehas may rason at dahilan. Parehas may pinanghuhugutan. Parehas may pinanggagalingan. Parang itim at puti. Yin at Yan. (tama ba) Kutsara at tinidor. Balde at tabo. Kanin at ulam. Papel at pluma. Po at Opo.

Kaya sa dalawang kamay na minsang mahigpit na nakahawak sa isa’t isa, dumarating sa puntong meron at merong mapapagod. Napapagod at bumibitaw. Bumitaw siya, eh ikaw, hinawakan mo pa rin ba? O sadyang ikaw din bumitaw na.

Dahil ang kamay na bumitaw sa’yo ay hindi makakawala kung hawak hawak pa rin ‘to ng kamay mo..

Pero ganun talaga. Masakit. Kaya minsan mapapamura ka nalang sa sakit. Hanggang sa humugot ka nalang kahit ang bitter ng pakinggan. Pero ang mahalaga dun, ginawa mo ang lahat para kumapit. Kumapit ka parin na para kang nakikisabit sa jeep, kahit nakakapagod na, kahit mukha ka ng tanga sa mata ng iba. Para sa oras na dumating sa puntong bababa ka na, handa ka ng isigaw:

“Manong drayber, Para!”

Hindi dahil sa pagod ka na. Kundi dahil alam mo sa sarili mong:

“Eto na ‘to, Tama na. P*%@#!&@!”

Oh, ako na naman yung bitter. Haha hindi ba pwedeng hugot para sa ibang taong nasaktan? 😛

Osya, pagaling na kayo! Kaya niyo yan. 🙂

The verge of being a Wanderlust in 13 to 50 different ways.

“As you wander and you are lost, you can’t help but to see a stranger in 13 to 50 different ways.”

It became a crucial thought to me about being lost as I travelled to my aunt’s house yesterday. (I arrived safe, if that’s your question.)

I realized a lot of things more than how I have been thinking about time.

First, as you wander and you are lost, you can’t help but to see a stranger in 13 to 50 different ways. You have to learn how to see through them. Learn how to trust even if you’re at the verge of nowhere.

Second, time never gets old. People do. So if you want to wander, it’s now or never.

This is a hard punch on my face. I have lived a life full of grid. And I’ve always thought it was okay. I suffered hesitations for 15 years. I realized maybe it’s about time to put a hedgehog on top of my head and dance like a baboon.

Third, I learned deeper than mantle of the earth, that family and friends are the best creations you could have. Savor it. Live with it. Laugh with it. Love it.

I have fought Aneurysm for a decade and a half now. It’s never been easy since I gained it young, I had to force myself to think like an adult. To know this and that. And if I tell you right now everything I have realized yesterday, you could tell how crazy my brain cells work. Because it’s just crazy.

But one thing I would like to have now for sure, I don’t give a damn how long I could conquer the challenge of Vascular Aneurysm. But I would like to pray deeply, that He would give me enough time to say thank you to every single person who prolonged my existence. To people who always give me reasons to go on. To people who don’t just make me feel gay, but define what really happiness is. To people whom I could trust when right paths are nowhere to be found. To people who love me in 13 to 50 different ways. ❤ ❤ ❤

Thank you! 🙂